The Existential Crisis

Slouching unenthusiastically in the booth seat, I read through the same Facebook feed I had looked at relentlessly for a glimmer of entertainment for the past 20 minutes one last time before relinquishing my iPhone and placing it on the table. It was a tired routine that many are familiar with, the endless search for a satisfactory distraction to distance themselves from the pangs of the real world. Emotions, relationships, eye contact: they all seem so overbearing when paralleled with the pixels on a screen and the simplicity of egotism; life's easier when you only care about yourself.

I suppose that due to my lackluster expression and posture, a little girl, who had been sitting a table away from me, came under the assumption that I was waiting for something or someone. Having the bravery of a child she approached me. "Hey kiddo," I said, unsure of her intentions.
"What are you waiting for?" She had a half smile and a distinct spark of curiosity in her eyes.
It was a simple question, but I suddenly felt the world around me rush out of focus. Eyes widening in amazement, I sat in shock as I felt the friction on the tectonic plates in my soul suddenly release, and the tremors pulverized the immaterial walls around my heart. Unable to muster up an answer to the question, the girl lost interest and wandered off. What am I waiting for? Is it a person? Is it an event? I knew I was unhappy and I didn't know why; I knew something was wrong and I didn't know what. It haunted me.

Of course, after that split second of confusion and questioning my entire existence, I realized what she meant. How silly of me. I've come to terms with the fact that it isn't really the question itself though, but it's about how we respond. That feeling she gave me in the moment went away but the question still remained, and I didn't really have a response for myself, and it wasn't just because I wasn't *actually* waiting on anything; I was definitely waiting on something. I guess more than anything, to me, the question turned out to be rhetorical. The real heart of it lied in the fact that I shouldn't be waiting on anything at all.

It's all terribly cliche and cheesy, but for a split second, I really did have my own little existential crisis. Everything in my life hit a stone wall and I felt unable to explain who I was or what I was doing with my life, all because a kid thought I looked bored. Life is a very long ordeal: it's the longest thing we'll ever experience. Regardless, this is no reason to waste it. If you're waiting on someone or something to come into your life to make it better, you've forgotten that you are your own plot device. You, and sometimes you alone, have the power to set into action a rich and meaningful life. The idea that you are important enough to be the main character of somebody else's book isn't just selfish, but dumb. There are billions of individuals on this planet, and you are only one of them.

I know I told you earlier that living is easier when you only care about yourself, but to be completely honest, that was a half truth. Living a life where you only care about yourself is hardly a life at all. I will personally guarantee you right now that, the next time you're at lunch or dinner or a coffee date (aka maybe right now), if you will put down your phone and look the beautiful person across from you in the eyes, you will find more enjoyment in them than you would in the black hole of attention called your phone, and if you don't let me know and I will drive to your house and give you a hug. Escape from the harshness of reality and the difficulty of human interaction is in the palm of your hand, and if you choose to surrender the moment you're in to that fancy screen you will never get it back. So, instead, face the challenge head on and be the best "you" that you can be. Living is hard, and anybody who tells you otherwise hasn't tried it yet. It's hard and it's wonderful and it's yours for the taking.

Graduation

Like many people who are around a similar age as I am, a large portion of my friends and acquaintances are either graduating or are attending graduations for their respective schools which they have already left. I've heard speeches and seen tears and laughed alongside people I've known for a majority of my life up until this point. The speeches were inspiring, the tears were bitter-sweet, and the laughter was sincere. For these individuals whose lives are at a cross-road where the future is vast and uncertain, ceremonies and camaraderies such as these are full of symbolism, and the memories made wont be easily forgotten for at least the rest of the summer. Probably.

Do you really think you're always right?

Depending on how you want to look at the world, you're wrong a lot. If you're a nihilist than you're not really wrong your subconscious is just smarter than you. If you're in politics you're only wrong when everyone else knows your wrong. If you're a human being, you're wrong a lot more than you know and more than you'd probably like to admit.

The punchline is out of this world.

"Man, I sure wish I had payed attention in Californian geography class." The names of every significant city in that state seemed to somehow escape me. Three open-ended and three direct questions was what I was allotted, and I only had an open-ended question left. Trying my best to not get frustrated with my looming, inevitable loss, I recalled all the information I had gathered up to this point. "He's a place. A sunny place. And the people there are nice? That doesn't really help me at all. I know that he's in California, though. West coast, like he said." I couldn't think of a question that would help me in the slightest; I know next to nothing about Californian cities. This was supposed to be an exercise in asking good questions and getting information, but I was doing abysmally. Finally, desperate, I decided on "can you tell me what's around you?" I didn't know how this would help me, either, but it was the best I could do.

You know what they say about assuming, officer.

The sound of tires rolling across the street sounded like waves rolling on and off the beach. Lost in thoughts of another place and time, I turned the corner of 11th and Garnett, heading south. My 1990 Toyota Camry softly vibrating as I accelerated.  I squinted my eyes at the seemingly blinding bright street lights and yawned; it couldn't have been much later than midnight, but constantly running from place to place can wear a guy out. I hadn't even had time to take my car into a mechanic to have the tail lights looked at, which still hadn't been replaced since the last time I had an encounter with the police, which involved a very awkward confrontation with the sheriff and a pocket knife.

Honey Boo Boo and America

When Honey Boo Boo and some of her family went to a burger joint in Florida, they caused a big commotion, considering they're rather famous. Since they felt bad about how much trouble they inadvertently caused, they borrowed a jar and encouraged people coming up to them to leave tips, which they then donated to a charity that raises awareness about cyber bullying.

The Best Spam

Awhile back I wrote one of my random posts about how sometimes your first impressions are incredibly and horrendously incorrect, and it was called Radiohead, Donkey Kong, and Mashed Potatoes. Ever since I wrote it, I've received a comparatively large number of spam comments, most of which are really weird, as is most spam. I'm guessing that for the most part they were not written by someone who spoke English fluently. However, there are some with surprisingly good grammar. The most striking thing about them though, is that they're actually really good spam. I mean, as far as spam goes at least; no spam is truly good in my eyes, as it is still spam. But it's still the best spam I've ever read though. The spam de la spam, if you will.

Short post: The Little Vampire

Earlier I saw a young girl breathing onto a spoon and placing it onto her nose so it dangled in front of her mouth, and she was trying to get her moms attention. "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom look. Look mom. Mom. Dude mom look. Mom. I'm a vampire. Mom."

"... I'm a vampire."

You may not have gotten your moms attention, but you got mine.

My Trip To the Vet

Sitting in the back seat always made me feel like a kid again. It reminded me of the long trips my family used to take together to Missouri, or when my oldest sisters moved out, to Florida and Georgia. I could stare out the window for hours without getting bored, with the scenery always changing; I'd try to chase one tree with my eyes for as long as possible before it went out of view, then find another one and do it again and again until my eyes hurt. I'd do it all the way there and all the way back. I had the same routine every time we returned from a trip, too. I'd carry as much of my own belongings into my house and then immediately go out looking for my cats. We'd leave a large pan of cat food out and have a neighbor fill up a bowl of water. I had four at the time; Kit-Kat, Paws, Pumpkin, and Jazzy.

Ugh.

Sometimes, the internet is a wonderful place where you can learn endlessly and expand your mind and enjoy the social networks and etc. etc. The rest of the time, it's a weird, messed up place and all you can do is sit at your computer making a face of disgust, which can only really be summed up by the onomatopoeia "ugh." Not the "ugh, I'm so tired" kind of ugh, but the "ugh, that's really gross but I can't look away."

I found an image awhile back and it stuck out to me. I'm not entirely sure why, but I found it absolutely hilarious and somewhat relate-able. I don't know who made this image, but I wish I did so I could pop out my Heelys and cruise on down to wherever they are and personally shake their hand, or give them a hug. My current favorite picture is nothing more than a man created in MS Paint, but he has so much expression. I'm seriously in love with this image.

The longer you look, the funnier it gets.

I'm a Trendy Wendy, You're an Uncool Raul.

Society changes fads like a girl changes clothes. One year you're so in style that Calvin Klein is trying to get your opinion about his unmentionables, and the next everyone thinks you're more square than a GameCube, which will inevitably be back in fashion in a decade and a half anyways (or, more round than a record, which is vintage and "in").

Drugs are also a trend, I guess. A trend that doesn't end ever.

Verlernterns Der!

Most of those who know me, and a few of those who know me well, could probably tell you that at times I can be a little cynical. For those of you who don't know me, I can be a tad bit cynical. And for those who don't know what cynical means, it essentially means that I'm not blind to the more despondent, dark side of most situations. I'm also not afraid to point out the flaws in other people's logic, and lastly, but definitely not least, I don't regularly conform to society. A lot of why I write on this blog is so I can make fun of society and the stupidity it has subjected itself to.

Pictured: stupidity

I can wait.

In a world filled with phones that communicate faster than the speed of a speeding speedy speeder, internet that almost instantly connects you to people across the globe so you can call them a noob, and all these other robots that process information more efficiently than the human brain, to the point that we can barely comprehend how fast the information is actually being processed, it's no wonder that the kids these days can't maintain concentration long enough to microwave a chicken pot pie, and you get the bird for making some middle aged Caucasian decelerate his just-off-the-lot Suburban by five miles an hour.

Hey, I'm trying to guzzle gas here! Can't a man ruin the environment in peace?

The Cost of Freedom

"We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America." - Preamble to the United States Constitution.

America is not a utopia. There is no such thing as a perfect society. People will always do bad things for various reasons. The first documented account of violence was between the third and fourth individuals to ever even walk the earth, when Cain killed his brother Abel.

Radiohead, Donkey Kong, and Mashed Potatoes

There are some things in this world you won't be able to appreciate as much as you could until you learn about their past. Whether it be history, music, or another individual, there are some things that wont perk your interest until you possess more than a basic knowledge about them.

How I feel when people tell me politics aren't important and that they don't need to know about it.

Awkward times with the Sheriff and a knife.

It's a scarcely known fact that on some older models of cars, the ignition gets so worn down that you can use relatively anything to start it with. Other keys, can openers, and even pocket knives. My car is one such as that, and the pocket knife is my key of choice.

It was a normal, calm Friday morning, a little before 1 A.M. in downtown Tulsa. I was driving to go to my brothers house, from whence we would depart on a road trip to Texas. I glanced suspiciously over my shoulder to see if there was anyone behind me; I haven't had tail lights in my car for months and driving with your rear in the dark can make you nervous. I came to a stoplight and waited patiently for it to give me the green left arrow, when at the same time the Sheriff came to the same light on the opposite side, turning right.

"Come on buddy, turn on red. You can do it. Please don't get behind me."

No such luck. The light turned green. The Sheriff didn't budge. I took a deep breath and slowly accelerated, dreaming in the back of my mind that he wouldn't notice or simply wouldn't care about my blatant tail light violation. I passed under the bridge, and he followed close behind. I turned into the neighborhood I was headed to and he flipped on his lights.  I immediately thought of the joke "it's funny how red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they're flashing behind you." Pulling over, I starting fumbling around in the dark for my licence.

As he approached my vehicle I realized I didn't have a recent verification of insurance. "Fun stuff" I said with a wince. Upon my informing him of this, he went back to his cruiser and found my info on his computer.

"Alright son, I got you all checked out and..." He fell silent, mouth partially agape and eyes fixed on something in front of me. "Why do you have a knife sticking out of your ignition?"

"Uh... I'm just going to put that away." I put both my hands in clear view and slowly closed the knife and put it in my passenger seat. His gaze cut through the darkness and made my heart beat rapidly. I tried to explain that my car could be started with anything, but not without a good deal of stumbling over my own words. He stood there for awhile before handing me a warning for my tail lights.

"Use your keys. Fix your lights. Get your insurance verification."
"Yes sir, absolutely sir."
"Be careful out there."
"Yes sir, absolutely sir. Thank you sir, I will." I was thankful for him telling me to be careful, but  I was also pretty grateful that he didn't arrest me.

So remember kids, next time a cop pulls you over, make sure to at least try to make it look like you aren't driving a stolen car.

People.

There are billions of people in this world we call our own. I don't mean to bring the level of amazing of a lot of those people down, but I've had the divine pleasure of meeting some very incredible people in the short, yet oh-so-long 18 years of my life.

I've met the jocks; the guys who spend their lives in the gym and on the field, with their shirts off 90% of the time.
I've met the attention hogs; the people who would do anything to be adored by their peers.
I've met the geeks; the people who have a life that revolves around technology.
I've met the plebs; the people who want nothing more than to live an average life.
I've met the jokesters; the people who live to make you laugh.
I've met the thinkers; the people who make you reevaluate your life.
I've met the artists; the people who create the most beautiful work you've ever seen or heard.
I've met the downers; the people that, despite their dark disposition, divulge your desire for deep discussion and can help you release your inner emotions.
And I've met a few hipsters.

I've met a lot of people in my life. However, none of these unique, interesting individuals have proven to be as intriguing and awe inspiring as the ones who, despite their past mistakes and all the grievances against them, are still happy. Regardless of whether or not you're a jokester, a downer, or a geek, you have your own way of being happy. Life is hard and then you die, and despite how beautiful this world can be, the fact that not everything goes your way gets to some people so bad that they lose the joy of life.

When life spits in your face, kicks dirt at you, calls you names, abandons you, and stabs you in the back, you know how hard life can be. And when you make it through the day and still have a smile on your face and a reason to love, then you have earned my respect.

There are billions of people in this world we call our own, and you're one of them. None of them have any more potential to be amazing than you do. Smile, you're still alive.

Drowning in skin.

So basically, dust is gross. Most people know that dust is composed partially of dead, exfoliated skin cells that are just kind of floating around in the atmosphere. And since the thought of your ancestors blowing the breeze isn't gross enough, I'm going to try to gross you out even more, with science.

The average adult human has enough skin to cover up 2 square meters (if you skinned him and laid his hide out like a pelt), and that weighs approximately 20 pounds. Fun fact: you will exfoliate approximately 8 pounds of dead skin cells every year. By bypassing some simple mathematical, scientific, and common sense laws we can know that 8 pounds of skin would cover up about .8 square meters.

So the question here today is: how long would it take for there to be so much dead skin that it would cover up the whole surface of the world? To start off this discussion, I'd like to bring up the fact that after all this time we haven't started having to use snow plows to keep the streets clean of our little tiny dead cells that have been piling up. There are three reasons for this, two of which are pretty gross.

The first reason is dust mites. These little tiny creatures feed off of your dead flesh. There's really not a lot else I'd like to say about them, but really all you need to know is that they're tiny and disgusting. Also they look like this.

The second reason may or may not make you gag. You're constantly breathing in hundreds of thousands of deceased epidermis particles which are being destroyed inside of your body. You're eating yourself, and lots of other people in the world. Cannibal. Sick cannibal freak.

The third reason is all but too simple: since the exfoliated cells are dead, they will eventually decay.

Because of these facts, we will be working in theoretical boundaries. If everyone in the world held their breath, all the dust mites simultaneously expired Avengers style, and the skin cells that are already dead ceased to decay, how long would it take before the entire earth was coated in "dust"?

Earth is pretty dang big, sitting pretty at 510 million (510,000,000) square kilometers. Since one kilometer is one thousand meters, 510 million kilometers is 510 billion (510,000,000,000) square meters.

There are approximately 7 billion (7,000,000,000) people on earth. In a year, all of those 7 billion people would exfoliate 5.6 billion square meters of dead skin. (7 billion multiplied by .8.)

510 billion divided by 5.6 is 91.07142857142857. This number, which I'll just call 91, because it is basically 91 for all intents and purposes, is the number of years of exfoliation it would take by 7 billion individuals to cover the earth in dead skin cells.

Okay, we covered the earth. Now what?

Well there's a problem. Assuming a large portion of those cells didn't get sucked into the sea and they just kind of floated on top, we've only created a layer of dead skin about an eighth of an inch thick. I want people to be drowning in skin. I want there to be people pushing themselves around in canoes trying to get from place to place. How long would it take for there to be a layer of skin 7 feet deep?

To make an inch, it would take 91 years x 8 (assuming the coating of "dust" was 1/8th of an inch thick). 728 years.
To make it to a foot, it would take 728 years x 12. 8,736 years.
To make it to seven feet, it would be 8736 x 7. 61,152 years.

By the time 61,152 years passed, all of that skin would weigh in at 489,216 pounds, which is only slightly smaller than Tony Stark's ego.

I kind of wish I could say there was a point to this, but there really isn't. I just hope you're grossed out now after thinking about dead skin for that long. To be completely honest, it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable and dirty.

Until next time, kids!

Take me to the moon.

Would it be illegal to go to the moon? I'd like to go there someday, even if I can't come back.

Maybe I'll just work my whole life; I'll save up vast amounts of money and construct a space ship. If I still have any friends by the time I get that old we can go together. We can get space suits and everything. If we decide we don't want to go back, that's fine. Space is as good a place to die as any.

I'd love to die on the moon, actually. We can get out of our shuttle and lay down, weighing only a fraction of what we would on Earth, and just kind of rest peacefully. We'll talk about our memories and all the good times and the bad times; the times that made our lives worth living. We'll talk until we run out of things to say, and then we'll reminisce until we run out of air to breathe.

As the world turns, everything will get darker and darker, leading up to the point where there's so little oxygen left that we fall asleep forever. Hundreds of thousands of miles away, life goes on. They'll look up at night, but they wont even know that the man on the moon and his friends have ceased to exist. Our hearts wont beat and our minds wont think and our muscles will never contract again.

~

There are some people out there who have someone they'd like to spend the rest of their lives with. Life may be fleeting, but it leaves from you slowly with love, compassion, and every other emotion like a mother lets her child leave home. You may live a hundred times in your life, but you only die once, which is why to go to the moon and die with any person who considers myself to be their friend would be the best death ever. I'd love more than anything to lay down and see Earth off the in the distance, and with my final breath know that there's a rock in a vacuum that contains everything I've ever known. To anyone else, the people on that rock might as well be amoebae on a petri dish, but to an amoeba, that's all they ever needed to be to mean everything.