I can wait.

In a world filled with phones that communicate faster than the speed of a speeding speedy speeder, internet that almost instantly connects you to people across the globe so you can call them a noob, and all these other robots that process information more efficiently than the human brain, to the point that we can barely comprehend how fast the information is actually being processed, it's no wonder that the kids these days can't maintain concentration long enough to microwave a chicken pot pie, and you get the bird for making some middle aged Caucasian decelerate his just-off-the-lot Suburban by five miles an hour.

Hey, I'm trying to guzzle gas here! Can't a man ruin the environment in peace?

I'll continue momentarily, but first I'd like to nominate my previous sentence for the best run-on of 2013.

Now, like I was saying, we live in a rather fast paced society. There aren't a lot of things that get on my nerves, but impatient people are one of them. When someone complains about being stuck in a long line, or whines about how long something is taking, it's my personal opinion they need a nice long time out. Or a smack in the back of the head. Whatever suits you.

"I can't wait..." I know not only impatient people are guilty of saying this (usually) logical fallacy, but like I said, it's one of my few peeves, and like most people, I turn to the internet to express my feelings. "I can't wait to get a new phone." "I can't wait to get a haircut." Yes you can. Suck it up, princess.

I've compiled a list of appropriate times to use "I can't wait." I hope that if you refuse to use the phrase more conservatively, a situation arises where you literally cannot wait for whatever you said you couldn't wait for. "I can't wait to get home." Boom, suddenly you've been poisoned and now you absolutely have to get home because that's where the antidote is. This probably wont happen, but a evil scientist man can dream. Without further a-do, I give you my list.

"I can't wait til that nurse gives me that blood transfusion."

"I can't wait for this liger to stop gnawing on my entrails."

"I can't wait for my paycheck to come in because Lenny the loan-shark just hit me in the knee with a golf club and is threatening my life."

"I can't wait to get somewhere warmer so I don't die of hypothermia."

"I can't wait to charge my phone, because I need to call 911, seeing as how I just got stabbed by Lenny the loan-shark."

"I can't wait to cure my dehydration."

"I can't wait to move out from under this falling piano."

"I can't wait to put down this lit stick of dynamite."

"I can't wait to stop being suffocated."

"I can't wait for the ambulance to get here and treat my stab wounds. I hate you Lenny."

"I can't wait to stop breathing in excessive amounts of carbon monoxide."

"I can't wait to go on a jog and help combat my morbid obesity."

"I can't wait to get this suspicious mole observed by a medical professional."

"I can't wait to resuscitate this dude that almost just drowned because he was having an underwater boxing match with a giant squid and in the heat of the moment forgot that he couldn't breath under water, ultimately resulting in the loss of the boxing match, which seems somewhat unfair considering the number of extremities possessed by a giant squid, and would have concluded in his drowning if not for my quick thinking and a can of squid repellent Bat-spray."
"I really can't wait to get my arm unstuck from this rock and get out of this gosh-dang canyon."

You know what? I really can't wait for people to stop misusing this phrase.