The Cacaphonies of Slumber

I recently spent a few nights over a a friends house. These friends are famous of housing all kinds of their acquaintences from church, school, etc. and I was in one of the guest rooms with a guy who shall remain unnamed. This particular man, though, just so happens to make an insanely wide array of noises in his sleep. I awoke at around six in the morning and spent about an hour laying there, listening, trying not to listen, giving up not listening, and then laughing to myself at these noises. I came up with a lot of different metaphors and similes to describe them, and these here are some of my favorites:

• It's like someone took the metal edge of my cell and put it to a stone grinder.
• I think this man ate a running hedge trimmer right before bed.
• Every time he breaths it's like he's ripping apart strips of velcro.
• It's almost like he's crushing up ice with his face.
• This man is really two mating wooly mammoths.
• Is he tearing up phone books over there?
• He's more wheezy than Wheezy off Toy Story 2!
• His esophagus is a tuba.
• Is... is he drowning?
• His windpipe is a deck of cards. The inhale is the shuffle; the exhale is the bridge.
• I'd imagine this is what a walrus battle sounds like.
• Maybe this whole time he's been cutting cocaine, and now he's sniffing it?
• Sounds like he's... boiling water over there.
• Holy crap... Chewie?

These may not all be accurate, but I hope that one day, when you get stuck sleeping in the same room as that guy who snores and does all other kinds of weird stuff in their sleep, you remember these. Which one best fits your situation?