I'm here to talk about body parts! (viewer discretion blah blah blah)

Just a heads up, if you're easily offended by the truth, you should probably head over to some other funny blog post about kittens and world peace. Oh, and this is probably one of my more explicit and audacious entries, so yeah, you've been forewarned about yon content. Tread carefully.

So let's be honest here. I really like women. They're great. I like their hair. I like their clothes. I like their curves. I reeeeealy like their curves. I like aaaallll their curves...

And I'm here to talk about them. Let me stop real quick like though and point something out. I, being a straight person of the male persuasion, have made myself very open to an attack on my character. "Oh mai gawd, this guy is such a pig. All he cares about in a woman is like, a nice body and a pretty face" could very well be what a female reader is saying to herself, or her galfriends, or a very whipped man at this very moment. As a matter of fact, I've actually been told a similar phrase to my face. "All men care about is a nice body and a pretty face."

Women... women women women. Don't assume stuff. You know what you do when you assume stuff? You make an ASS- out of -U- and -ME (see what I did there?). So let me break this down for you all in terms that most people should be able to understand.

This is what we call a graph. It shows percentages of stuff. You can plainly see that if you take away either the personality or the body, what you're left with is 50% of a girl, and nobody wants that.

Okay, another scenario: the other day I was hanging with one of my female friends and she got a text from a guy asking if she knew of any good chicks for him to go out on a date with, then he included in parenthesis "not fat or flat."

"Ugh, this guy is such a douche."

Uhm... excuse me? He's a douche for asking for what are pretty much the two most basic conformities when it comes to rating attractiveness? I don't know if you know this, women, but the reason why women are rated on this scale to see how attractive they are is because that's what we find attractive (from a general populous standpoint, of course).

Imagine yourself out on a blind date (in a more literal sense, if you will). You spend the whole evening talking to a man who has a hilarious, attractive personality and you'd love to get to know him more. However, you haven't been able to look at him this whole time. At the end of the night, you see this mystery stud and to your horror, you stand there looking at a smelly obese man with a mullet and a pedo-stache. Starting to rethink that second date stuff yet?

If we were all blind, the world would be just dandy. The purpose of that metaphysical awful first date is to show you that personality isn't everything, nor are looks. Even for women.

And that "not flat or fat thing?" There's even science behind this. During the pubescent years of female development, large amounts of estrogen are produced by the body and used to increase the mass of certain areas of your body, most notably your ba-donk-a-donk and your ta-tas, and more importantly, your hips.

Have you ever noticed that the hips of women are larger than those of men? That's because women need larger hips to support the weight of a baby during pregnancy. So let me reiterate: larger breasts and wider hips mean better for bearin' babies, which from an evolutionary standpoint is pretty much the only purpose for living. Like, seriously, for what I've heard, they just want their genes to keep on getting passed down. That's cool I guess...

Weight is more of a preference though. And also, there are three subgroups under the "body" section from the graph; starting from the bottom you got guys who are more focused on legs, then moving upwards to your glutes, then finally your hooters.

There's a lot of people who may get offended by my audacity, but lets be honest here, the world needs these body parts to keep on keeping on. America and Europe are very different in cinematography in the sense that they understand that sensuality is like, existent, while in America we'd rather just show someone (or lots of someones) getting blown up. Girls need legs to walk,  and men love them. Girls need buns, 'cause they're one of the bigger and stronger muscles in your body,  and men love them too. Boobs (I'm running out of clever synonyms, so forgive my bluntness) are a key factor in breast feeding, and men love them.

And you, haughty woman, need to get off your high horse of hypocrisy. Chicks dig muscles. Nice abs, big strong arms... other random muscles that girls like...

Anyways, the point is, don't be that annoying girl who acts like she knows everything because she's dated SO MANY BOYS (two) and ALL (two) OF THEM have only been interested in your body. Yeah, I like your body, but if I don't like your personality I'm not going to stick around very long.

Also, after talking about body parts for so long, I couldn't restrain putting up this classic piece of musical gold.

Notice the name of the magazine in that video? Cosmopygian? They're making a play on words from the famous magazine Cosmopolitan and the word callipygian, which means "having shapely buttocks." (Yay for booty etymology!)