Lul Wut.

Fifty years ago, Marilyn Monroe, a popular sex symbol of that time, would have been around a dress size of 12. Now, a lot of women would think they were overweight if they were that size. Suddenly women like Marilyn think they're too big to be pretty. Anyone larger suddenly becomes an unacceptable "model" size body for a woman.

Then, out of nowhere, a wild group of feminists appears! "That woman isn't fat, she's 'curvy.'"

Every day I get on the internet, and there's sidebar ads telling me that there's some secret tip to getting a flat belly, or that if I eat their magical fruit from Africa, I'll lose all that "stubborn belly fat," and they call it stubborn, as if everyone out there has been trying forever to lose weight. Every other page there's an ad telling me to get six pack abs. They also want me to find out if Justin Bieber is my soul mate, but that's not the point.

Then, men catch onto the trend. They start announcing that they want a "real woman" with "real curves," as if these tiny women aren't real.

Next, larger women start to protest the smaller, Cosmopolitan, "perfect body" women. A female blogger for xojane.com requests for larger women to post photos of them in their "fatkini's." (I know that Weekly World News is less reliable than The Onion, but the story is legit. You can research it yourself.)

People on the internet start joining the movement. Pictures like this one are uploaded:

Smaller women start feeling attacked because of their body type. The tables have turned.

And of course, me and most of the rest of the male gender are left sitting at home going "lul wut?"

And "lul wut" is what I say. Some people are born smaller than others, and vice versa. Magazines and television will probably continue to push their tiny woman agenda, and other people will probably keep trying to make them look evil and push their "curvy women are more beautiful" agenda, and women everywhere will probably blame it on men, and the government will probably call it "the war on women" because if they call it a war people will throw their money at it to support their cause, and I'll probably still be over there on the side saying "lul wut."

Awhile back I wrote a blog entry concerning women and their bodies, and it was witty and filled with all kinds of informative, scientific data that frankly, every guy I asked got a laugh out of. The girls, party-poopers that they are, thought it was sexist of me to tell them that yes, there is science in attraction, and that different guys like different things when it comes to women. I think it was really Sir Mix-A-Lot and his love for large behinds that got me in trouble. I think they misunderstood the intention of me posting his hilarious, catchy, crude, and thought-provoking song. (I say it's thought provoking because it makes me think about why some girls feel the need to criticize other women based on their body types. I thought girls were supposed to stick together, or something.)

While yes, he does love women who are indeed of a "curvy" nature, there's more to the song than "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Henceforth, here are the words of the great poet Sir Mix-A-Lot.

"Well Cosmo says you're fat, and I ain't down with that, 'cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'.

See, he was simply standing up for women of all shapes and sizes. Which is probably what more women should do, too, but instead they have to argue and bicker about which is more beautiful, when they can't open their eyes and realize that they're all beautiful, even if not every single person on Earth thinks so.

Until then, I'll be here, watching from the outside as it all falls to pieces and more and more women of ALL (yes that's right, I said all. I'll say it again. ALL) sizes feel demoralized because of their bodies.

Lul wut.

There's a Joke About Love Bugs I Failed to Make. Oh Well.

So, maybe my imagination is a little more out of control than it should be, but here's how the story goes.

Alright, I'm driving down the highway, right? And I'm doing a good 90. I'm bookin' it. I'm fairly focused on the road, not really paying attention to anything other than weaving in and out of the "oversized loads" and that idiot who doesn't understand staying in the right lane when he isn't going fast enough to pass anybody, when suddenly something catches my eye. Some poor wasp managed to fly his little buggy self right in front of me. Too bad for him, right? It gets worse.

His little insect head managed to slide into the space between the hood of the car and the side. What I see is his silly stingy butt flopping around in the wind as he gets helplessly dragged along for a ride. For as sucky as that must have been, the only thing I could think was "you know, this reminds me a lot of relationships."

He made this face, no doubt.

Yeah, you heard me, that's what I said.

Let me break it down for you.

So you got this girl. She, like most girls, is "crazy, outgoing, funny, awesome, ditsy, and hyper." (Question: how many girls you know would describe themselves like this? Probably like, all of them.) She's just doing what girls do; going a billion miles an hour and not paying attention (lulz). Now before you ladies get mad at me for making fun of your tendency to not always pay attention, let me make fun of guys first in an attempt to cater to your desire for equality in sarcastic stereotype jokes.

Now you have me, the guy. I'm a dumb insect flying across the highway like a retard. (I know a few people who'll enjoy that image too much.) Some Mustang Sally comes cruising down the road and smacks me in my stupid wasp face. Bam, I'm trapped under your hood, arms flailing wildly in the 90 MPH winds, probably dead.

Relationships, right?

The guy'll be just minding his own business, flying around the highway, maybe looking for some sexy windshield to splat on, if that's what he's into, when Miss Ladyface swings along and picks him up. "Cool!" He might think. Cool indeed, dumb bug. But then the trip gets cut short when she hits a bump and you get knocked out of your cozy hood-noose-thing and go plummeting to your sad, sad demise/get decapitated.

Well, that's what happened to the bug anyways.

So there you have it. Cars and insects = relationships.

I Do What I Want Every Day!

When I see a girl with a shirt that says "No boyfriend, no problem" I think one of two things; one, that is girl is awesome and understand that not having a significant other is like waking up every morning and saying "well, looks like I'm doing what I want today, again!" or two, that she wants the world to know she's single and desperately wants a boyfriend.

True story.

Pictures: a How-Not-To

Sometimes when I'm carousing through the frivolity and stupidity of Facebook, soaking it all in until I become inebriated with enough disgust to stop, I find myself browsing through some girls photo album devoted to pictures of themselves and stuff they've done, named something like "summerrrrrr :))) <3" or maybe some snippet of obscure lyricism. Most of the pictures don't phase me. I've seen the duck face, and I've seen the pretty girl "lets hold each-others hips and lean out while tilting our heads way too much," and I've seen the mirror self portrait with the "I'm trying to make it seem like I'm displeased with my appearance by making a distorted face" twist, and even more numerous so I've seen the reassuring train of "cute! :)" and "hot dang!"

I'm an observant person. Don't judge me.

But something that always catches me off guard is this picture that some third party took of girl one (and perhaps her sassy counterpart, girl two, and boy-crazy girl three) from behind with their necks straining to even make eye contact with the camera.

Lets be honest here girls. Why are you taking pictures of your bootays?

When I see this I think to myself the dialogue that might have been going on that night while you and your friends were taking these pictures.

Girl 1: "Hey, wanna take like, two hundred pictures of ourselves, upload the twenty that we decide we don't like ugly in, post them on Facebook with captions like "Oh God, we're so ugly!" and comment "plzz delete this!" even though we totally agreed to upload them?

Girl 2: "Hay gurl hay fo sho you know that's how we DOOOOO!"

Girl 3: "Only if I get to stick my tongue out in half of them! Guys love tongues!"

*all three* "Woo hoo!"

Girl 2: "Hecks to the yes! What kind you wanna take first girlfrans?"

Girl 1: "I think we should like, all stand in a row and like, lean in and like, make duck faces."
Girl 3: "I bet the guys are gonna love our duck faces!"

Girl 1: "This is fun! Next lets all turn around and make crazy faces even though the purpose of the picture is to show off our totally hawt jeans!"

Girl 3: "Guys do love hawt jeans! Especially on us!"

*all three giggle*

Girl 2: "Oooh girls I hope you brought you low cut shirts, I'm mo' def' feelin' some pictures of us laying on the ground so we can show the world our cleavage! Mmhmm!"

Girl 1: "Deal, but like, lets finish these pictures of our butts first, I wanna get these pants off, they're like, four sizes too small!"

Girl 3: "Guys love small pants!"

This is a dramaticized re-telling, of course. For the sake of the reader I made it painfully obvious what was going on. Even in my wildest, saddest dreams nobody says this stuff (out loud (I hope)).

What I'm trying to say is you look ridiculous. Stop it. I could probably just totally ignore all the stuff in the world that bugs me, and I'm sure there's some girl out there going "Oh em gee, if he doesn't like it he can just not look at it." Lets be honest here. I'm trying to help you. These pictures are like a giant cliffhanger creeping out of the nostril of your existence. I'd be a bad person not to inform you. There's a better way to show off your body, and it doesn't involve the internet in any way. Go out to a party. Wear trashy shorts. I don't care. At least you can tell when some creepsack scumtrash nastybag old man is checking you out IRL.

Yeah, think about that one for awhile. I'm just trying to keep you safe.

And one last thing. Any girl I see doing a duck-face automatically triggers a subconscious reaction that replaces their lovely little head with this:

I hope you all know that in my mind, you're Steven Tyler.

Good day to you all.

My List

Someday, I want to marry a girl. A very special girl. So special, in fact, that I don't even know how to describe the girl that I'm looking for.

Short hair is cute, long hair is beautiful, blue eyes are pretty, brown eyes are deep, green eyes are sexy, tall is attractive, short is adorable... I know some people make like, a check list of things they look for in a significant other; I could never do that. Every time I start a check list, bam, some girl who doesn't fit at all comes in and steals my heart.

Women do that. They steal your heart. Your mind, your money, your soul... occupy your dreams... invade your priorities like a pillaging Mongol, ravage your sleep schedule like a rabid badger. Make your heart melt.

I guess, in reality, the special girl I'm looking for does all that stuff. She doesn't have to look like anything. Someone you can be crazy with. Crazy about. Crazy for. Crazy without.

There's a girl out there who'll turn your world upside down. And man, she's a keeper.

I'm here to talk about body parts! (viewer discretion blah blah blah)

Just a heads up, if you're easily offended by the truth, you should probably head over to some other funny blog post about kittens and world peace. Oh, and this is probably one of my more explicit and audacious entries, so yeah, you've been forewarned about yon content. Tread carefully.

So let's be honest here. I really like women. They're great. I like their hair. I like their clothes. I like their curves. I reeeeealy like their curves. I like aaaallll their curves...

And I'm here to talk about them. Let me stop real quick like though and point something out. I, being a straight person of the male persuasion, have made myself very open to an attack on my character. "Oh mai gawd, this guy is such a pig. All he cares about in a woman is like, a nice body and a pretty face" could very well be what a female reader is saying to herself, or her galfriends, or a very whipped man at this very moment. As a matter of fact, I've actually been told a similar phrase to my face. "All men care about is a nice body and a pretty face."

Women... women women women. Don't assume stuff. You know what you do when you assume stuff? You make an ASS- out of -U- and -ME (see what I did there?). So let me break this down for you all in terms that most people should be able to understand.

This is what we call a graph. It shows percentages of stuff. You can plainly see that if you take away either the personality or the body, what you're left with is 50% of a girl, and nobody wants that.

Okay, another scenario: the other day I was hanging with one of my female friends and she got a text from a guy asking if she knew of any good chicks for him to go out on a date with, then he included in parenthesis "not fat or flat."

"Ugh, this guy is such a douche."

Uhm... excuse me? He's a douche for asking for what are pretty much the two most basic conformities when it comes to rating attractiveness? I don't know if you know this, women, but the reason why women are rated on this scale to see how attractive they are is because that's what we find attractive (from a general populous standpoint, of course).

Imagine yourself out on a blind date (in a more literal sense, if you will). You spend the whole evening talking to a man who has a hilarious, attractive personality and you'd love to get to know him more. However, you haven't been able to look at him this whole time. At the end of the night, you see this mystery stud and to your horror, you stand there looking at a smelly obese man with a mullet and a pedo-stache. Starting to rethink that second date stuff yet?

If we were all blind, the world would be just dandy. The purpose of that metaphysical awful first date is to show you that personality isn't everything, nor are looks. Even for women.

And that "not flat or fat thing?" There's even science behind this. During the pubescent years of female development, large amounts of estrogen are produced by the body and used to increase the mass of certain areas of your body, most notably your ba-donk-a-donk and your ta-tas, and more importantly, your hips.

Have you ever noticed that the hips of women are larger than those of men? That's because women need larger hips to support the weight of a baby during pregnancy. So let me reiterate: larger breasts and wider hips mean better for bearin' babies, which from an evolutionary standpoint is pretty much the only purpose for living. Like, seriously, for what I've heard, they just want their genes to keep on getting passed down. That's cool I guess...

Weight is more of a preference though. And also, there are three subgroups under the "body" section from the graph; starting from the bottom you got guys who are more focused on legs, then moving upwards to your glutes, then finally your hooters.

There's a lot of people who may get offended by my audacity, but lets be honest here, the world needs these body parts to keep on keeping on. America and Europe are very different in cinematography in the sense that they understand that sensuality is like, existent, while in America we'd rather just show someone (or lots of someones) getting blown up. Girls need legs to walk,  and men love them. Girls need buns, 'cause they're one of the bigger and stronger muscles in your body,  and men love them too. Boobs (I'm running out of clever synonyms, so forgive my bluntness) are a key factor in breast feeding, and men love them.

And you, haughty woman, need to get off your high horse of hypocrisy. Chicks dig muscles. Nice abs, big strong arms... other random muscles that girls like...

Anyways, the point is, don't be that annoying girl who acts like she knows everything because she's dated SO MANY BOYS (two) and ALL (two) OF THEM have only been interested in your body. Yeah, I like your body, but if I don't like your personality I'm not going to stick around very long.

Also, after talking about body parts for so long, I couldn't restrain putting up this classic piece of musical gold.

Notice the name of the magazine in that video? Cosmopygian? They're making a play on words from the famous magazine Cosmopolitan and the word callipygian, which means "having shapely buttocks." (Yay for booty etymology!)