Pictures: a How-Not-To

Sometimes when I'm carousing through the frivolity and stupidity of Facebook, soaking it all in until I become inebriated with enough disgust to stop, I find myself browsing through some girls photo album devoted to pictures of themselves and stuff they've done, named something like "summerrrrrr :))) <3" or maybe some snippet of obscure lyricism. Most of the pictures don't phase me. I've seen the duck face, and I've seen the pretty girl "lets hold each-others hips and lean out while tilting our heads way too much," and I've seen the mirror self portrait with the "I'm trying to make it seem like I'm displeased with my appearance by making a distorted face" twist, and even more numerous so I've seen the reassuring train of "cute! :)" and "hot dang!"

I'm an observant person. Don't judge me.

But something that always catches me off guard is this picture that some third party took of girl one (and perhaps her sassy counterpart, girl two, and boy-crazy girl three) from behind with their necks straining to even make eye contact with the camera.

Lets be honest here girls. Why are you taking pictures of your bootays?

When I see this I think to myself the dialogue that might have been going on that night while you and your friends were taking these pictures.

Girl 1: "Hey, wanna take like, two hundred pictures of ourselves, upload the twenty that we decide we don't like ugly in, post them on Facebook with captions like "Oh God, we're so ugly!" and comment "plzz delete this!" even though we totally agreed to upload them?

Girl 2: "Hay gurl hay fo sho you know that's how we DOOOOO!"

Girl 3: "Only if I get to stick my tongue out in half of them! Guys love tongues!"

*all three* "Woo hoo!"

Girl 2: "Hecks to the yes! What kind you wanna take first girlfrans?"

Girl 1: "I think we should like, all stand in a row and like, lean in and like, make duck faces."
Girl 3: "I bet the guys are gonna love our duck faces!"

Girl 1: "This is fun! Next lets all turn around and make crazy faces even though the purpose of the picture is to show off our totally hawt jeans!"

Girl 3: "Guys do love hawt jeans! Especially on us!"

*all three giggle*

Girl 2: "Oooh girls I hope you brought you low cut shirts, I'm mo' def' feelin' some pictures of us laying on the ground so we can show the world our cleavage! Mmhmm!"

Girl 1: "Deal, but like, lets finish these pictures of our butts first, I wanna get these pants off, they're like, four sizes too small!"

Girl 3: "Guys love small pants!"

This is a dramaticized re-telling, of course. For the sake of the reader I made it painfully obvious what was going on. Even in my wildest, saddest dreams nobody says this stuff (out loud (I hope)).

What I'm trying to say is you look ridiculous. Stop it. I could probably just totally ignore all the stuff in the world that bugs me, and I'm sure there's some girl out there going "Oh em gee, if he doesn't like it he can just not look at it." Lets be honest here. I'm trying to help you. These pictures are like a giant cliffhanger creeping out of the nostril of your existence. I'd be a bad person not to inform you. There's a better way to show off your body, and it doesn't involve the internet in any way. Go out to a party. Wear trashy shorts. I don't care. At least you can tell when some creepsack scumtrash nastybag old man is checking you out IRL.

Yeah, think about that one for awhile. I'm just trying to keep you safe.

And one last thing. Any girl I see doing a duck-face automatically triggers a subconscious reaction that replaces their lovely little head with this:

I hope you all know that in my mind, you're Steven Tyler.

Good day to you all.