The Halloween Issue

Many people love the Fall season. The leaves are changing, you can wear a scarf without looking like a pretentious hipster, and for me, there's a holiday which is really a huge facade for scaring the crap out of little kids and gorging myself on fun size Butterfingers and Runts. But only the banana Runts. Everyone knows the banana ones are the best.

However, coming from a Christian home my parents never let me go trick or treating as a kid because apparently participating in this holiday was Satan worship and I was going to burn in hell for being a rebellious heathen.

Or something like that.

Pictured: the epitome of evil and Satanic

I however, firmly protest that just because Halloween has a sketchy background does not mean that simply by acknowledging its existence I was included in its sketching going-ons.

That's like saying that because I live in Salem, Mass. I'm a witch-hunting conspiracy theorist.

Originally it is thought to have stemmed from a Celtic Festivus type thing where people would stand around a fire (like a Festivus pole of sorts) dressed up like ghosts and spirits and other costumes in hopes that when the other real spirits showed up they'd be like "aw naw, this place taken already man, lets haunt some other town." Personally, if I was a ghost and saw a bunch of other ghosts standing around a big fire I'd be like "'sup guys" but that's just me I guess.

Now instead if we have a ghost problem we have one man in a robe come to our house and shout things written in an ancient manuscript and sprinkle water on stuff.

But that's not the point.

In the 8th century some Pope decided to make a holiday the day after the Celtic festival (called Samhain, and not Festivus, sadly) that was a day of remembrance for all the saints and martyrs ever, called "All Saints Day." The day before it was henceforth named "All Hallows Eve," (I said henceforth in a sarcastic manner, because I honestly have no idea what the connection between "saints and martyrs" and "hallows" are. I don' even know what a "hallow" is.) and later just "Halloween."

So what I'm saying is that Halloween isn't even like, a big deal. Don't think of it being a day when your kid is trying to ward off spirits so much, and think of it more like a big party before a day of remembrance for all the people who sacrificed their lives in one way or another for the greater good.

If you're still not convinced it's a wholesome activity for little kids to do, let me tell you two things. 1: you're taking away a huge part of your son or daughter's childhood by removing this awesome holiday in which they get to dress up like superheroes and demand candy from strangers. And 2: since you probably don't like this holiday because you're a God fearing person, Christmas was originally called Saturnalia, aka an ancient Roman festival that happened early-mid December to worship the god Saturn and involved everyone exchanging gifts, if you had an indoor growing tree it was decorated and topped with a light (not a star like we do, but a sun), garlands and wreaths were hung on doors and on doorways and such... sound familiar? Yeah. You're just as much a heathen for celebrating Christmas as I am for having a good time on Halloween. This was invented around 250 BC, which is like, 250+ years before Jesus was born. Think about that for awhile.